Redefining Winning And Losing
- By Suzi Elton
- Published 10/11/2008
- Self Help
- Unrated
Suzi Elton
Suzi Elton is a success coach working with highly creative types to create income that matches their talent. She has coached hundreds of clients to approach their goals strategically through tiny steps to bring about quantum leaps. Get free Life Purpose exercises, at http://mylifepurposecoaching.com
View all articles by Suzi Elton
Your concept of what constitutes winning and losing can be defined by you or by others. Most of us allow others to dictate how we see winning and losing for ourselves. This is a fundamental mistake. How can it make sense to live our lives according to the opinions of others? If your parents/family have certain expectations for you, your life, and your work--they are defining winning and losing for you.
It quickly becomes clear that you are expected to conform to these expectations and that you are seen as a winner or loser according to how well you do so. If you find yourself experiencing some discomfort at fulfilling the desires and living a life dictated by the wishes of others, here are a few ideas.
1.) Be willing to get clear on your values and goals. Most of us are reared to embrace the values and goals of our parents and family members. We don't give a lot of thought to how we truly believe and think and aspire. We simply parrot what we've been taught. We have never thought deeply about our own beliefs and most of us would not dare to hold conflicting beliefs. Without examining these for yourself, the possibility of a deeply gratifying and authentic life becomes impossible. Instead, you simply "go along" with your life as someone else has laid it out for you.
2.) If, upon examination, you discover the desire to live a life counter to what's been expected, it will take some will and fortitude to forge the new path. When we find ourselves deciding to create a life of our own choosing, there is likely to be resistance from others. Typically, those with expectations for us are unlikely to abandon them willingly. Those who desire to run our lives will inevitably find our choices disappointing.
It's the nature of those who desire to manipulate to their own ends--they want to have their way--even with your life. This is a tough dynamic to encounter.
3.) The more that you can gain and maintain clarity on your own desires, the better. Take the time to write out your desires and write a plan to achieve them. You may be put in a place where you receive no family
support for your desires. Clarity is critical in this situation.
4.) Get the support you need. Hire a coach, get a mentor, join a mastermind, or take classes at an entrepreneur center. Find and create the support system you need to fulfill your goals.
5.) Once you're clear on what you want for your life, examine your concepts of winning and losing. Now that your focus is on the life you want, what does winning look like to you--through your own eyes. Previously, winning was defined by the opinions of others. It can be a challenge to release the hold these opinions have on us. It's a huge shift to define winning and losing from our own viewpoint--and our own desires. Perhaps previously, winning meant attaining certain achievements, owning certain possessions, and belonging to certain groups. From your own desires, this is likely to involve entirely different criteria.
It could be that you value doing more creative work, making significant contributions, or having meaningful relationships. Your definitions of winning can be severely at odds with what is expected of you. "Losing", in the past, meant not meeting the expectations of others. From your point of view, losing could be defined as the failure to fulfill your desires for your life. Again, your definition of losing is quite different from what your family holds.
6.) It can be very challenging to "swim against the tide" of your family's wishes for you. There may be conflict, disappointment, anger, frustration, and hostility. There may even be major rejection and worse. This is difficult, but when you realize what it means--those who "love" you want to control you--your best positioning is to hold your ground. Are you willing to surrender control of your life to others?
7.) In the best of situations, when your family realizes your convictions, they will be able to recognize and support your goals. This may be a long while in coming and in the worst cases, never happens at all. It's wise to create a supportive environment--of those who understand and value your goals and intentions. Your family may eventually value your path--or not.
Take the time to examine and explore your values and goals. Redefine winning and losing to align with the life you really want.
It quickly becomes clear that you are expected to conform to these expectations and that you are seen as a winner or loser according to how well you do so. If you find yourself experiencing some discomfort at fulfilling the desires and living a life dictated by the wishes of others, here are a few ideas.
1.) Be willing to get clear on your values and goals. Most of us are reared to embrace the values and goals of our parents and family members. We don't give a lot of thought to how we truly believe and think and aspire. We simply parrot what we've been taught. We have never thought deeply about our own beliefs and most of us would not dare to hold conflicting beliefs. Without examining these for yourself, the possibility of a deeply gratifying and authentic life becomes impossible. Instead, you simply "go along" with your life as someone else has laid it out for you.
2.) If, upon examination, you discover the desire to live a life counter to what's been expected, it will take some will and fortitude to forge the new path. When we find ourselves deciding to create a life of our own choosing, there is likely to be resistance from others. Typically, those with expectations for us are unlikely to abandon them willingly. Those who desire to run our lives will inevitably find our choices disappointing.
It's the nature of those who desire to manipulate to their own ends--they want to have their way--even with your life. This is a tough dynamic to encounter.
3.) The more that you can gain and maintain clarity on your own desires, the better. Take the time to write out your desires and write a plan to achieve them. You may be put in a place where you receive no family
4.) Get the support you need. Hire a coach, get a mentor, join a mastermind, or take classes at an entrepreneur center. Find and create the support system you need to fulfill your goals.
5.) Once you're clear on what you want for your life, examine your concepts of winning and losing. Now that your focus is on the life you want, what does winning look like to you--through your own eyes. Previously, winning was defined by the opinions of others. It can be a challenge to release the hold these opinions have on us. It's a huge shift to define winning and losing from our own viewpoint--and our own desires. Perhaps previously, winning meant attaining certain achievements, owning certain possessions, and belonging to certain groups. From your own desires, this is likely to involve entirely different criteria.
It could be that you value doing more creative work, making significant contributions, or having meaningful relationships. Your definitions of winning can be severely at odds with what is expected of you. "Losing", in the past, meant not meeting the expectations of others. From your point of view, losing could be defined as the failure to fulfill your desires for your life. Again, your definition of losing is quite different from what your family holds.
6.) It can be very challenging to "swim against the tide" of your family's wishes for you. There may be conflict, disappointment, anger, frustration, and hostility. There may even be major rejection and worse. This is difficult, but when you realize what it means--those who "love" you want to control you--your best positioning is to hold your ground. Are you willing to surrender control of your life to others?
7.) In the best of situations, when your family realizes your convictions, they will be able to recognize and support your goals. This may be a long while in coming and in the worst cases, never happens at all. It's wise to create a supportive environment--of those who understand and value your goals and intentions. Your family may eventually value your path--or not.
Take the time to examine and explore your values and goals. Redefine winning and losing to align with the life you really want.